The Drug Test Conundrum: Passing the Test You Can’t Study For

The legalization and normalization of cannabis is still an uphill battle. In states that have legalized both medicinal and recreational cannabis, companies are still choosing to disqualify those who partake. Just because a state has chosen to legalize the plant does not mean that the companies therein have to condone cannabis use or accept employees who engage, making it difficult for patients and rec users to find or keep jobs and perpetuating the stigma of the “lazy stoner.”

Because of this there are many who have to make a choice between giving up a medication that has been helping with anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, arthritis, diabetes, gastrointestinal issues, glaucoma and many others—and keeping their job. For those who refuse to make that decision, finding alternative ways to pass the company drug test is the only option.

We went ahead and asked some of our co-workers and friends (who shall remain nameless) their experiences with attempting to pass a drug test and here are some of the most entertaining responses we got and the lessons we can learn:

“I asked friends that smoke weed and have jobs what they did. I was directed to a store called 7th Heaven because they are the only source to get a drink mix that’ll clean your system. The mix was clear, and goopy. It reminded me of the ooze in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle films. The instructions said to take the goopy liquid alone and drink one gallon of water. I gulped it down and I’ve never tasted something so gross that doesn’t taste like anything. It took like five minutes to swallow because it went down EXTREMELY slow.

 To this day I regret going through all that trouble and still didn’t get the job. They saw cannabis in my system. Upon getting the news I asked if I could reapply after a period of time. They said no, that door was closed.” – Anon

TEST YOURSELF

Rather than stress over if you are going to pass this drug test or how you are going to get clean before the test, test yourself. Urine tests may detect marijuana 1-5 days after occasional use, 1-3 weeks in regular users and 4-6 weeks in multiple daily users. If you only medicate occasionally, there is a chance that you have nothing to worry about. If you medicate regularly and are positive you will need a cleanse, buying a testing kit for use once you have completed your cleansing regimen is still a good idea. You can test positive for marijuana anywhere from a few weeks up to a couple months after use. Better safe than sorry.

____

“Here’s what I did. I got a pair of briefs, and a condom. I gave my young nephew a treat to pee in it for me. Tied the top of the condom, stuffed it in my undies in a warm and cozy place so that it could warm to my body temp, and when I go to test I pee in the toilet to replicate the sound of a urine stream, but I pour the urine from the condom into the cup. Easy, passed the test with flying colors.” – Anon

SYNTHETIC URINE

This is a story that we have heard time and time again. Bribing your kid brother or nephew for clean pee-pee is one way to go, but luckily there are some innovative thinkers in the always progressing cannabis industry and they have capitalized on the need for uncontaminated urine. Synthetic urine products are now available at many smoke and sex shops as well as for sale online. It generally comes in pre-mixed solutions or dried powders and if you are of the male sort, some even come with fake penises AKA “urinators” with back straps. The company that makes the Whizzinator* even has penises with all colors in mind, ranging from “white” to “latino” to “black.” Although, admittedly the colors are a bit odd and off, it’s the thought that counts. They also come with heating pads so that the urine is at body temperature when the lab tests for the temperature.

____

“When I was 20 years old I landed a job at Alaska Airlines! I was stoked! It was pre 9/11 and so there were great travel perks, pretty much you could fly standby on any of their flights on your days off.  So I could be smoking pot in the park in Vancouver BC, visiting Shamu in San Diego, watching the Northern Lights in Alaska or laying on the beach in Mexico on my days off?
Fuck yeah!!!

Wait, one little thing before I go to training, I need to just pee in a cup in two days. Drug test?  Ok, no problem. Err, wait big huge problem!!!  At that time I smoked pot all of the time!!!  I asked my homies what to do.  Someone suggested downing a bunch of Niacin and drinking lots of water.  What the fuck is Niacin? “It’s in the Vitamin section at Rite-Aid, just get it. Trust me.” Ok. 

So I buy a bottle of Niacin and a gallon of water on my way to work at the Pavilion Ticket office (now Taco Bell Arena). I’m selling concert tickets, I tell my boss that I’ve been feeling really dehydrated (that’s why I have a big ass gallon jug of water) and decide to take a big handful of Niacin to get the marijuana flush started.

All is normal, then I start feeling hot. Is it hot in here? Really hot in here. I start sweating. It’s pouring down my face. I don’t sweat. A co-worker looks at me and is like “Whoa! You’re bright red!!!!”  I look at my arms and they’re bright red. I’m bright red! I feel like I’m on fire! I collapse to the floor. My boss asks if she should call 911. “No!!!”  I scream. I told her that I thought that it was just the dehydration. So I lay down in her office chugging water and after some time my skin and body temperature go back to normal. She sends me home. 

 Yes. I passed my drug test.” -Anon

SAFETY

This is a great example of what NOT to do. We heard so many wives tales about how to pass a drug test. Many of them unsafe and not healthy. Do not take your older brother, auntie, or friend’s word for it, do not drink that cap of bleach and do not add soap to the sample. All bad ideas. Ask a professional. Luckily, this day and age there are very knowledgeable budtenders and medical professionals who will happily answer your questions (if you live in a state where it is legal). If you don’t live in a state where you can ask a professional and cannot afford to or want to risk synthetic urine or any of the other products on the market, a cleanse is your best bet.

___

“My method to success has always been a few things:

 Time – You have to have at least two weeks, people will say they’ve passed in less time but that’s highly unlikely. I barely carry any body fat and stay very active, or did at least lol. I have heard of people successfully using “detox” drinks and passing in a week. Those things actually work by holding in whatever THC you have in your system.

 Water, exercise, antioxidants and a ton of water are crucial to flushing the system throughout the entire time your cleansing. A large amount of unsweetened cranberry juice should be drank the first week along with heavy exercise to pull out any THC stored in your fat. The second week you have to keep drinking water but switch to also consuming more fatty foods and stop exercising so you’re not releasing any more from stored fats.

 B vitamins—it’s important to take a B-complex vitamin the day of because with the extreme amount of water consumed, your urine will look dilute. A multivitamin looks very neon when peed out but the B-complex gives just the right yellow hue of a natural healthy urine.

 And that’s my secret to success, it’s been 100 percent successful!” – Anon

THOROUGHLY CLEANSE YOUR BODY

Abstinence from medicating is the most effective way to pass a drug test. You might be saying, “Well no kidding,” with an epic eye-roll but it’s true. Unfortunately, because of the misconceptions about the “dangers” of a plant in the current anti-marijuana administration there is still a need for this conversation.

So, once you have begun to sustain from medicating increase your fluid intake. Preferably water but cranberry juice and any of the other (safe) fluids that were suggested during our outreach will suffice. In some cases, if the sample is too clear the testing facility will ask that you retake the test or reject the sample. Taking large doses (50-100mgs) of B-2 that can be found in B-complex vitamins will help to color your urine (and are also known to increase energy, enhance mood, improve memory, boost skin and hair health and stimulate the immune system—another huge plus).

A healthy diet and exercise along with increased fluid intake and refraining from using cannabis is the only surefire way to make sure you test clean. Nobody’s body reacts the same to marijuana use. Potency, how often used, body fat, weight and metabolism are all factors.

We hope that this was both informative and entertaining but most importantly we hope, (as we are sure you do too if you’re reading this now) that soon, we will no longer need to have this conversation.

*Shop around. These products are becoming more and more sophisticated and easy to use.

Luna Reyna

Luna Reyna believes in the power of journalistic activism and social responsibility. As a writer with DOPE, she tackles many social justice topics that often do not receive the coverage they deserve within the cannabis industry, as well as issues of inclusivity regarding race, gender, class and the LGBTQ communities (to name a few). Luna is also the editor for a magazine called Earthlings Entertainment, serving everywhere from British Columbia on down the north west and pushing east as the progression continues. Earthlings Entertainment challenges the status quo through artistic expression and creative inspiration. EE is committed to curating, highlighting, and sharing only the most intelligent, intriguing, original, and downright edgy releases in Hip Hop and the genres that Hip Hop is a progression of, as well as the umbrella of Electronic music and its sub genres. She also works with The Colossal Collective, a rad group of creative creatures that design larger-than life-puppets you may have seen at one music festival or another.

Related Articles

Close