The holidays can be stressful. Traveling, seeing (and hiding from) family, the crushing winter darkness that remains ever-present, particularly in the most quiet of moments, building to an unending internal cacophony of dark, painful—sorry, what were we talking about? Holidays, right. Right. Boy, are they stress-ful! Forget trying to come up with unique gift ideas for the person in your life who has everything—I’ve done it for you! Now, where is my wine?
1. A Keg of Ranch
No, we’re not in a Guy Fieri daydream. Yes, you can buy a keg of ranch. Fifty bucks gets you five liters of ranch and a lifetime supply guarantee of that sweet, creamy nectar. Let someone know you think they’re a complete monster with this touching, zesty gift.
My thoughts exactly, sweet prince.
2. Reanimated Wolf-Sized Otter
Scientists recently discovered fossil evidence of Siamogale melilutra, a “giant otter that roamed southwestern China six million years ago” that was about the size of a wolf, according to the BBC. Now, I have an idea, but it’s a bit crazy—so hear me out. We get the DNA from the Siamogale melilutra, from, say, the blood of a mosquito encased in, I don’t know, amber or something. Then we reconstruct its DNA and create a clone. Maybe put it on an island. It’s crazy—and a completely original idea—but damn it, I think it just might work. Your friends will love it. And if they don’t, you’ll have a new furry friend to replace them.
Looks cute, huh? Guess again. This is a DINOSAUR, and it’s scary. Real scary.
3. Farting Engagement Ring Box
Folks often get engaged around the holidays. Make sure your partner knows what they’re really signing up for if they say ‘yes’—a lifetime of fart jokes. For $18.95, the Prank Engagement Ring Box from The Moon Ring can be yours. They say diamonds are forever; so is the need to fart.
Like this, but farts. Waves and waves of farts.
4. David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest
Do we really have anything until we can brag about having read David Foster Wallace’s 1,079-page wank-fest of a novel? If someone on your holiday shopping list is insufferable, but perhaps not insufferable enough, get them this book. It’s all you’ll hear them talk about for the next year or so.
CloonDog has the right idea.
5. Wine Glass Holder for Your Shower
Showering is nice. Drinking wine in the shower is also nice. Combine life’s simple pleasures with the Shower Wine Glass Holder. $9.99 garners a gift so absurd it would dismay most any time-traveling scientist who asks you, “Have we cured cancer yet?” And you get to respond, “Well, no. But I can drink in the shower!”
Just add water!
6. Lack of Existential Dread
Though intangible, what a beautiful gift this would be. Remember a time when you weren’t crushed by the weight of existence? That was nice. Give that bliss to your friends. I don’t know how you can, but just try. Please, just try.
It sure is!
7. There Is No Number Seven
Sorry, this isn’t an arty Magritte thing, there just isn’t a seventh gift for this list. I’ve got deadlines, y’know? Ok, well, see ya! Hope you enjoyed the list! Go away now!
Scram, see? I don’t want ya anymore! Go on, get! Go, I say!