I often get resistance when I suggest scheduling sex as a means of boosting intimacy and making sex even better. “But you lose all the spontaneity!” they exclaim. Okay, I hear you and I see how it might seem like that. Scheduling sex, in addition to taking the time to do the actual scheduling, does require you to shift your mindset around it. Here are a couple of things you have to be down with if you’re going to try this for yourself:
- Scheduling sex doesn’t imply obligation, coercion, or expectation. Just because you blocked off two hours on the calendar on Wednesday night doesn’t mean that one person can’t say, “you know what I really don’t feel up to connecting in a sexual way tonight, let’s cuddle instead.” It’s also okay if it gets close to the scheduled time and you realize that it’s actually not a good time and you need to reschedule for later. That’s all completely allowed. You’re not signing a contract—just creating space.
- There’s no specific way that “sex” has to look. It might mean making out or dry humping, it could be penetration or hand sex, or it could be taking a hot shower and massaging each other before you fall asleep cuddling. It’s vital to let go of any strict interpretation of what constitutes sex.
- It’s easiest when you actually put it on a calendar, so make sure your privacy is protected. Maybe you don’t want to put your sex date on the whiteboard in the kitchen that your kids or guests can see. I love Google Calendar, and I can set my sex related appointments to private so that everyone else just sees that I’m busy but doesn’t know that I just blocked out six hours for sexy fun times. (Just kidding, I don’t use privacy settings because I’m me, but you’re totally allowed and encouraged).
Scheduling sex is especially great for non-monogamous folks and people in open relationships. When managing multiple relationships, it helps to schedule dates so that you can allocate time more consistently. Most non-monogamous people I know swear by scheduling and putting things on a calendar. It streamlines and prevents the dreaded double booking. Double booking dates (where you’ve accidentally scheduled with two partners at the same time) is a potentially nettlesome situation in which I hope you never find yourself. If you do, and let’s be honest, mistakes happen so don’t beat yourself up, address it as soon as you realize it, reschedule one or both dates, and try not to do it again.
I wanted to get some additional input, so I reached out to a few colleagues for their thoughts. Kenna Cook, a sex educator and pleasure professional at O.school, shared “Scheduling sex is sexy! It’s great communication and I think that communicating is the best foreplay. I recently scheduled a threesome with my gf and our mutual friend almost a month in advance. This gave her time to talk to her poly partner about having a new sexual partner, and gave me time to talk to my newly poly partner about any feelings that might come up for him. Scheduling sex also leaves time to get tested, buy any sex supplies and make sure you are fully present during sex since all your other responsibilities have been planned around it.”
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Joan Price, an expert on senior sexuality and author of “The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty,” pointed out, “The older we get, the less likely that sex will happen “spontaneously.” Put it on the calendar, plan for it, anticipate it. Then when it’s time, you’ve been readying yourself with sexual energy for days. Very hot.”
Finally, Dope Magazine’s own Andrea Larson shared, “My partner and I both lead extremely busy lives and while moments of spontaneous intimacy are incredible, the anticipation of a scheduled session can ignite excitement unlike anything else.”
Have you ever scheduled sex? If so, what was it like for you? If not, would you be willing to try it?