If you’ve ever witnessed a friend eat shit on a razor scooter, you know what we’re talking about. These five modes of transportation should be left to the pros, aka people under 25 who don’t hear their knees crack every time they stand up. Is that just me? Just me, huh. Interesting…
2. Heelys: these “roller shoes” aren’t for the faint of heart. We have Roger Adams to thank for this brilliant idea, which has been rolling people into disaster since 1999. In 2007, the Yeovil Town Council was the first English council to ban their use. Smart move.
2. Hoverboards: Shenzhen-based company Chic debuted their hoverboard in 2014. Hundreds of thousands of hoverboards have been recalled since they hit first the shelves, and many of us are aware of the problems with their lithium-ion batteries, known to explode and result in massive fires. A recent Forbes article states that Chic has designed a hoverboard that won’t explode—I would recommend not taking your chances on these ankle breakers anytime soon.
3. Moon Shoes: If you’re my age, you probably received a pair of these knee-busters as a holiday gift back in the day. The original commercial shows a bunch of kids swagged out in ‘90s gear, jumping to a song with the lyrics, “…jumpin’ up and down like a kangaroo…imagine if you could defy gravity, too…Moon Shoes!” These things were complete junk. Millions of kids have spent Christmas afternoons disappointed that they weren’t actually defying gravity. Maximum weight = 180 lbs. Be forewarned.
4. Y Fliker Scooters: I’ve witnessed parents take their kiddos “y-scooter” for a joy ride. Not only will you look like a complete fool wiggling your hips to and fro to get this thing screamin’, but I’ve seen adults falling over backwards right onto the fucking concrete. Better leave this one to your kids, people.
5. Pogo Bal: Yes, that’s “bal” with one L. The future is now! This space saucer-esque contraption may also leave you with one ball if you attempt to hop on it. Again, leave this contraption to the pros—small kids with pliable bones.