The holidays are beautiful—the lights, the family, the food, the giving spirit it seems to bring out in people who typically can’t see past their own First World problems. It’s safe to say that no matter the holiday you’re celebrating this time of year, you’ve most likely been inundated with holiday “classics” every time you’ve walked into a store, restaurant or deranged family member’s house since November!
At the risk of sounding like The Grinch, here are the top 6 holiday albums that should be re-gifted, “accidentally” stepped on, thrown into a crackling fireplace, or beaten with a hammer until damaged beyond repair…you can always say you’ve been sleepwalking again.
6. Afroman – “A Colt 45 Christmas”
Afroman, who many of us know and love for songs like “Because I Got High” and “Smoke Two Blunts,” may have smoked two blunts too many when he recorded this album. “I Wish You Would Roll a New Blunt,” “Afroman Is Coming to Town” and a version of “Deck The Halls” called “Deck My Balls” are just a few festive track listings.
5. Justin Bieber – “Under the Mistletoe“
“The wise men followed a star / The way I followed my heart… I should be playin’ in the winter snow / But imma be under the mistletoe.” Were you dazzled by these auto-tuned vocals, electronic keyboards and amazing lyrics? Neither were we. Make. It. Stop.
4. Josh Groban – “Noel”
How did this guy become famous? His voice isn’t particularly good, but for some reason people (mostly moms and Donna in accounting) swoon when he sings. As a blogger once said, “His sappy, pseudo-operatic ballads make me want to grit my teeth and incite violence.” Can’t argue with that!
3. Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton – “Once Upon A Christmas”
This album wouldn’t be complete without one of the creepiest versions of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” ever recorded—and that’s saying something. If you come across this album at a beloved relative’s house, don’t feel too bad if the family dog somehow thinks it’s a Frisbee.
2. Kenny Chesney – “All I Want for Christmas Is a Real Good Tan“
An island spin on country music? Why, sweet baby Jesus? Why? “Instead of turkey, we’ll have mahi-mahi grillin’,” Chesney sings on the titular track, promising his girlfriend, “I’ll buy you some shades and a brand new bikini” if she agrees to, I don’t know, forgo her friends and family to spend a holiday with him in the sand? Even the promise of a tropical vacation couldn’t get us to listen to this album.
1. Alvin and The Chipmunks – “Chipmunks Christmas”
What would the holidays be without little rodents with high-pitched voices singing all the songs you’ve heard over and over for the last month and a half?! These musical monstrosities are varying degrees of painful. I wouldn’t be surprised if this album found its way into a horror movie as a torture device.
Honorable Mention: DMX – “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”
Happy holidays, everyone! Stay sane out there. If you hear any of these songs start to play at your family get-together, you know what to do.